Scars on the mind may last longer than scars on the body. Even in the most loving homes, spanking gives a confusing message, especially to a child too young to understand the reason for the whack. The child is likely to feel the hit, inside and out, long after the hug. Most children put in this situation will hug to ask for mercy.
Joan, a loving mother, sincerely believed that spanking was a parental right and obligation needed to turn out an obedient child. She would notice him playing alone in the corner, not interested in playmates, and avoiding eye contact with her.
He had lost his previous sparkle. Spanking made him feel smaller and weaker, overpowered by people bigger than him. How tempting it is to slap those daring little hands! Many parents do it without thinking but consider the consequences.
Slapping them sends a powerful negative message. Sensitive parents we have interviewed all agree that the hands should be off-limits for physical punishment. Research supports this idea. Psychologists studied a group of sixteen fourteen-month-olds playing with their mothers. When one group of toddlers tried to grab a forbidden object, they received a slap on the hand; the other group of toddlers did not receive physical punishment.
In follow-up studies of these children seven months later, the punished babies were found to be less skilled at exploring their environment.
Better to separate the child from the object or supervise his exploration and leave little hands unhurt. Spanking also devalues the role of a parent. Being an authority figure means you are trusted and respected, but not feared.
Lasting authority cannot be based on fear. Parents or other caregivers who repeatedly use spanking to control children enter into a lose-lose situation. Not only does the child lose respect for the parent, but the parents also lose out because they develop a spanking mindset and have fewer alternatives to spanking. The parent has fewer preplanned, experience-tested strategies to divert potential behavior, so the child misbehaves more, which calls for more spanking. This child is not being taught to develop inner control.
Hitting devalues the parent-child relationship. Corporal punishment puts a distance between the spanker and the spankee. This distance is especially troubling in home situations where the parent-child relationship may already be strained, such as single-parent homes or blended families. Punishment escalates. A toddler reaches for a forbidden glass. You tap the hand as a reminder not to touch. When a parent gets angry, they may be unintentionally reacting based on their own childhood experiences with discipline or taking cues from how their own parents' tried to instill good behavior.
Finding ways to calm yourself down on a regular basis is also a good idea. Merzenich suggests meditation. Keep in mind that integrating mindfulness practices for the whole family can also encourage bonding, stress release, and help kids become aware of their own thoughts and feelings—and thus be better able to control them too.
And if stress is the reason a parent lashes out, find ways to alleviate that. Opt to ask a partner for help. She also points out that the pandemic has unduly affected mothers on a greater level as unpaid work has fallen on them more than ever before.
If you don't have a partner, lean on a relative, friend, or even ask your children to pitch in more. If you've already hit your kid, don't freak out. There are ways to move forward in a positive way.
Experts say caregivers should first acknowledge what happened in order to mend the relationship with their kid. Then make sure to discuss what happened with your kid and console them.
Then hug them, connect with them on their level, and give them comfort," adds Dr. What can you say? Greene Brown suggests something along the lines of, "I realized when I did this it hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Let's make an agreement on how we are going to behave going forward. Parents can also look for a therapist specialized in anger management.
For example, instead of saying "Don't jump on the couch," try "Please sit on the furniture and put your feet on the floor. Be sure to give clear, direct commands. Instead of "Could you please put your shoes on? Again, consistency is crucial, as is follow-through. Make good on any promises of discipline or else you risk undermining your authority. Kids have to believe that you mean what you say. This is not to say you can't give second chances or allow a certain margin of error, but for the most part, you should act on what you say.
Be careful not to make unrealistic threats of punishment "Slam that door and you'll never watch TV again! If you threaten to turn the car around and go home if the squabbling in the backseat doesn't stop, make sure you do exactly that.
The credibility you'll gain with your kids is much more valuable than a lost beach day. Huge punishments may take away your power as a parent. If you ground your son or daughter for a month, your child may not feel motivated to change behaviors because everything has already been taken away. It may help to set some goals that kids can meet to earn back privileges that were taken away for misbehavior.
Kids in this age group — just as with all ages — can be disciplined with natural consequences. As they mature and request more independence and responsibility, teaching them to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and appropriate method of discipline. For example, if your fifth grader's homework isn't done before bedtime, should you make him or her stay up to do it or even lend a hand yourself?
Probably not — you'll miss an opportunity to teach a key life lesson. If homework is incomplete, your child will go to school the next day without it and suffer the resulting bad grade. It's natural for parents to want to rescue kids from mistakes, but in the long run they do kids a favor by letting them fail sometimes. Kids see what behaving improperly can mean and probably won't make those mistakes again.
However, if your child does not seem to be learning from natural consequences, set up some of your own to help change the behavior. Removing privileges such as electronics can be an effective consequence for this age group. By now you've laid the groundwork. Do you know someone who could benefit from reading this? Not even a little bit. Courtesy of Allison Davis For years, the school has failed Drew. When this kid took to social media, voicemails, and texting threats, the school did nothing.
Courtesy of Allison Davis Drew had four classes with this kid and he would not leave Drew alone. So… When this kid threatened Drew while on the bus and then moved on to making fun of his dad and then threatening Jackson, his year-old brother, Drew decided he would quit relying on the school and the adults who are supposed to protect him. Problem solved. Sign up for the Newsletter.
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